For many families, visiting aging parents during the holidays are one of the few times all generations gather under one roof. Between the meals, laughter, and traditions, these visits can also serve as an important, if unexpected, window into how aging parents are really doing.
It’s not always easy to see subtle changes, or to know how, or whether, to bring them up. But as research shows, 65% of people with long-term care needs rely exclusively on family and friends to assist. Paying attention during your next visit isn’t intrusive; it’s proactive care for everyone involved.
Step 1: Observe Without Judgment
As you visit, take quiet mental notes about your parents’ environment and well-being. Are bills piling up on the counter? Has food expired in the refrigerator? Do they seem more withdrawn, tired, or forgetful than before?
These may be signs that additional help could soon be needed, or that everyday tasks are becoming overwhelming. The key is to observe, not criticize. Holiday gatherings aren’t the time for confrontation, but they’re the perfect time to notice patterns and prepare for a follow-up conversation later.
Sometimes, you may also notice new “helpers” around the house, a neighbor, handy man, or someone who’s begun lending a hand with errands or small chores. This can be a blessing or a warning sign.
When I first met some of the people assisting my father, I was incredibly grateful. They helped with laundry, offered medication reminders, and kept an eye out for his well-being. But because they each had their own families and obligations, there were gaps, if someone went on vacation, my father might miss his medication or even wander off. And that was a stressful thought for them, which wasn’t fair.
In working with families, I’ve also heard the opposite stories, parents signing up for every phone solicitation, hiring expensive tradespeople for simple tasks, or paying “companions” who rack up hours just watching TV. These aren’t always malicious situations, but they underscore the need for awareness and oversight. Pay attention to who has access to your parent’s home, finances, and daily routines. Supportive help is wonderful, but it should never come at the cost of safety or exploitation.
Step 2: Start the Conversation
Bringing up health, safety, or finances with a parent can feel like crossing an invisible line. But starting the conversation with care and curiosity can make all the difference, especially when questions are framed around their experiences rather than their limitations.
Try gentle, open-ended prompts like:
“How did your latest doctor’s appointment go? Anything new they’re recommending?”
“How has driving been? Are you still confident getting around or have you had to adjust your trips and timing?”
“What’s the latest with the house? Has it been easy to find help to keep up with the yard and maintenance?”
These questions invite natural dialogue while helping you gauge how your parent is managing day-to-day responsibilities. Choose calm moments when things aren’t hectic, such as a quiet morning coffee or after-dinner chat. The goal isn’t to solve everything at once, but to plant a seed of awareness and keep communication open.
Step 3: Expect Resistance (and Respond with Empathy)
Even when offered with love, suggestions about care or planning can stir up feelings of fear, loss of control, or embarrassment. Many older adults resist discussing money or help, not necessarily because of affordability, but out of pride.
Recognize that hesitation as a protective instinct. Acknowledge their independence and reassure them you’re on their side. Instead of pressing, say:
“I completely understand you want to stay in charge, I just want to make sure we’re ready if something changes.”
Empathy and consistency go further than logic. These small, respectful check-ins can build trust over time.
Step 4: Review Legal and Financial Documents
If it’s been years since you last reviewed powers of attorney, health care proxies, or wills, this is a good time to confirm whether those estate planning documents still reflect your parents’ wishes. Encourage them to meet with their attorney or financial planner to ensure everything is current.
Financially, most families I work with can afford care, it’s just a hard pill to swallow, sometimes for the whole family. The sticker shock often comes from how senior living and care costs are presented. A continuing care or assisted living community might quote one large monthly payment, while living at home involves smaller, separate expenses, utilities, groceries, property taxes, insurance, maintenance, and so on.
Part of my job is to help clients add everything together for an apples-to-apples comparison, and to remind everyone that staying home isn’t free. When the family home is sold, those proceeds can free up assets to comfortably fund a monthly rent or community buy-in, while also relieving the emotional and physical strain of maintaining a property.
Understanding the real cost picture allows families to make more informed choices, and often reveals that care options are more financially sustainable than they initially seem.
Step 5: Understand Your Care Options
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for elder care. Many families start small with home aides, meal delivery, or transportation services before transitioning to assisted living or continuing care communities.
When touring communities, consider not only the monthly costs but also the lifestyle fit, proximity to friends, availability of medical care, and social engagement options. Knowing what’s available before it’s needed keeps decisions from being made in crisis mode.
Step 6: Communicate and Revisit the Plan
The most successful long-term plans evolve through open communication. Keep siblings and extended family informed, assign roles, and set expectations early. Revisit the discussion each holiday or family milestone, updating plans as needs change.
If your parent remains hesitant, share meaningful stories or examples, perhaps from friends who planned ahead and benefited from it. Show that planning preserves their independence and your peace of mind.
A Season for Connection, and Clarity
This holiday season, take the time to truly connect, not just through shared meals, but through understanding, observation, and gentle dialogue. These conversations may not feel festive, but they are deeply loving acts of care.
If you’re visiting aging parents during the holidays and wondering how to begin these discussions, Powwow, LLC can help you translate what you see into actionable next steps, from reviewing financial scenarios to understanding care options.
