I can't hear you... LALALALALALALALALALALA
I recently presented on elder care to seemingly dissimilar groups. Despite their backgrounds, they all had the common bond of resistant parents. Inspired by their questions, I’m going to share my top 4 tips on communicating with a resistant senior.
- Your parent has dementia: If your parent is already experiencing dementia then it will be very difficult to make headway as you can’t build off progress. Depending on the dementia you’ll likely be starting from a clean slate each day. It’s very difficult to build trust in a day, and even if you do, you’ll have to find a way to easily replicate that success. Your best bet is connecting your senior with a resource they instinctually trust, which may mean introducing them to a number of people or environments to see who or what clicks for them. In my situation my father instantly trusted me. I don’t know why, but he followed my lead despite neighbors and community resources suggesting the same thing for months (maybe years). Don’t lose hope, just keep presenting your idea in a new way or from a new mouthpiece. If this isn’t working or not possible, it’s simply time to enact agency and pull rank in the kindest ways possible. Remember, this is exactly why they created estate plans.
- It’s not you, it’s me: Most caregivers don’t want to give off the vibe that they’re inconvenienced by accommodating their parent’s wishes to remain independent, but at some point you need to be honest. It’s ridiculous to toss and turn all night worrying they fell simply because they refuse to wear an emergency button. TELL THEM YOU’RE NOT SLEEPING. Most parents wouldn’t want to put you at a disadvantage over something with a simple solution. In a way you’re asking for their help, which empowers a parent.
- Come from the same place: Your parent unfortunately thinks you’re trying to strip them of their independence when you’re actually trying to support it (or at least that’s your intention). You have to adjust your language to show you’re coming from the same place. Neither of you want to end up in “a home.” Discuss what “a home” is and what it’s NOT. Support your discussion by taking tours of assisted living, trying an Uber for their next doctor’s appointment, and booking a mobile hair appointment. Remind them that small transitions support aging gracefully and that change is apart of anyone’s life. Change is what keeps us young and interesting.
- Stop working on assumptions: I routinely hear “I can’t afford it,” despite never crunching the numbers or considering the big picture. Many seniors have done an amazing job living on a fixed income which of course makes most amenities seem out of reach. Don’t allow a knee jerk reaction about money or care perceptions sabotage transition. Explore the true root of resistance and address it with facts. When considering any transition do a full review of net worth, income, family dynamics, care options, expectations, longevity, estate plans, health and the consequences of indecision. Connecting families to the correct professionals and illustrating their questions in a meaningful way is exactly where I provide value to families.
Final thoughts: Keep in mind that your spunky parent isn’t a child you’re raising with a long life ahead of them. While it’s upsetting they aren’t taking your advice on health or safety, potentially they’ve made peace with their situation before you have. Maybe they’ve weighed the possibility that their decisions mean 1 more year of familiar life that ends with a broken hip vs 5 more years of what they feel is a watered down existence. For your own sake, be prepared for crisis since they refuse to engage in crisis prevention.
Watch my video to hear tips on communicating with a resistant parent.
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About the Author
Quentara Costa helps the sandwich generation prioritize kids, self, and aging parents. For years Quentara was the primary caregiver for her father who was diagnosed with Alzheimers at the age of 70. Since his passing she’s become a mother of two sweet girls. Professionally she received a master’s degree in Personal Financial Planning from Bentley University and has held the CFP® designation since 2010. Community involvement includes hosting the Merrimack Valley Senior and Caregiver Group and volunteering for Budget Buddies.Schedule A Free Consultation